the recipe:

1. WANT

more than anything to be fully alive, fully human, feeling everything, through your guts your sex your heart your whole body

if you don't REALLY want this - more than you want to be happy, sane, comfortable - then all the rest will be worthless

2. EXPECT

pain

as you re-enter your feeling body, you will feel whatever's in there, whatever's stored there, whatever you left it for in the first place

what allows you to feel bliss and connection and groundedness and universal intuition ALSO allows you to feel PAIN

if you have never endured anything painful in your life by bottling it up and shutting it out, then you might not encounter anything too horrible stored in your body

just the pain of current reality

but if you're like most people who grew up in the western hemisphere, you learned early on how to compartmentalize, avoid, deny

and when you re-enter your body, you will probably encounter PAIN

lots of it

pain is why we LEAVE our bodies to begin with

and it hasn't gone anywhere

it is still there, stored in our muscles, our hearts, our cells

also: emotional pain is PHYSICAL

as physical as a hot branding iron pressed to your heart

there is nothing mysterious or ethereal about emotional pain

you can't miss it

if you remember being a child and watching a parade go by

and you remember the deep thump thump of the bass drum resounding in your belly

then you know the feeling

it is REAL and PHYSICAL and, for most of us, terrifying

so be prepared - expect it, move toward it

this is the ring of fire you have to walk through

to reach the garden of fully awake and alive on the other side

and there is NO way to get to the garden other than through the fire

3. BREATHE

breathe breathe breath

deep down into your belly

work at this

be conscious of your breathing all day long, every day

notice when it stops

*notice what stops it*

breathe fully and deeply and don't ever stop for the rest of your life

not breathing is the first way we learn to control feelings

it is the primary way we don't feel

so breathe to feel, breathe to let life flow through you, breathe to take it in and allow it to affect you

breathe

4. STOP

mood altering

in any and every way you do

if you're like most people, almost everything you are doing is about avoiding your feelings

eventually you will eliminate all of those behaviors

because you will not need to avoid your feelings

because you will be proud of who you are and what you are doing

and you will be truly excited about your life

you won't need to avoid reality

but to get to the place where you can KNOW

deep down in your guts and heart, in the marrow of your bones, from your fingertips to your follicles

WHO you are and WHAT you want

and have the STRENGTH to make it happen

you have to get to the place where you can FEEL

and to get to where you can feel, you have to STOP smothering your feelings with chemicals, foods, substances, behaviors, thoughts

this is a painstaking and lengthy process

and most people relapse

constantly

your inner children know only what they know

you have a limited palette of experience, of tools, that you use to 'hold it together'

so you will notice that even if you're trying to avoid chocolate cake, because it soothes the burning in your heart, there will be days on which it is impossible to talk your self out of the rationalizations for consuming it

that's OK

just notice

that you were not able to make it through that moment without that cake

that's it

but this is one of the hardest steps

eliminating EVERYTHING that you use

to avoid PAIN

first, the obvious:

- hard drugs

- alcohol

- tobacco/pot

etc

then 'high-affect' foods:

- sugar

- caffeine

etc

then too much food

or too little

these are the substances

get rid of all of them

then the behaviors:

gambling, movie addiction, addictive sex, womanizing, mananizing, obsessive list-making, saying too much, not saying enough, taking care of the children, walking the dog

entire lives are built around not feeling

you may choose a high-power job, or a demanding family life, or an over-packed agenda, you may live an entire life just to avoid ever having a down moment where the truth of your heart's simplest feelings

can be heard

but it can also be the smallest or simplest reflexive behaviors

when someone says something snide or cutting

do you respond in kind? a little jab back?

this is pain-avoidance

practice feeling how that remark affected you

that is the work of moving toward your *actual* feelings
and not just reflexively protecting yourself

but basically you are paring your life down to the barest essentials - what actually you NEED to sustain life

nothing else

because everything else is suspect

keep close to your feeling body

especially be on the lookout for emotional pain

notice what your immediate, instinctive behavior is

THAT is the one to eliminate

the first reaction to the feeling is NOT likely the healthiest

reacting to pain by turning TOWARD it is NOT what we have learned to do

but practice this

see what happens

note that this work this requires commitment and dedication

this is a biggie

if you do not have the drive to really do this step, refer to #1

*this page is a work in progress - more coming soon*